Transformers fucking sucks... And I hate myself for even posting about something so obvious.

 

   Okay, I guess we'll start with the simple, technical oversights that run as rampant in this film as the product placements. I gotta tell ya, if I was given 151 million dollars to make a movie, I would make sure that some average dumbass like me wouldn't notice visible camera equipment, cheap props, bad military lingo, etc... Here is just one example of what Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg could've fixed instead of spending all their money on CGI.

 

This is a shitty driving scene with shitty dialogue and shitty acting. The plot is that some douchey, overpaid actor is driving his car and trying to fuck some hot (but still really smart) overpaid actress...Notice the car in motion (or so it seems).

 

  151 Million dollars so I could stare at two people sitting in a car and pretend that they were actually driving... I do that every day while I sit in traffic on my way to work and look at every miserable bastard around me... and I get that entertainment free of charge, bitches. To clarify, when I said "I do that every day," what I meant is that I would do that every day if I actually had a job.

 

  That is just one of literally dozens and dozens of examples of editing, producing, and directing oversights littering this garbage dump of a movie. "But Avinger," you might find yourself saying (if you're an idiot) "there are goofs like that in every movie. What makes this movie great are the AUTOBOTS AND DECEPTICONS!" God, I hate you... Well let's meet some of the awesome robots of this story.

  I asked some random dumbass online to explain this picture to me. This is what he had to say.

"That's Jazz. He's so cool. In the picture, Jazz, the mechanical being, is seen relaxing his....well whatever robots relax when they lay back and cross their arms like he is. I mean they don't have any muscles or tendons or anything like that but hey, who cares? Anyway, like I was saying, Jazz is awesome! He says things like "What up lil' bitches?" and "AHHH SKEET SKEET SKEET!"...or something like that. I don't really know, LMFAO. But he's hip. He's a highly advanced robot, capable of disguising himself as Earthly machines, and he learned how to breakdance, communicate with humans, and even picked up a unique speech pattern and slang vocabulary that seem to coincide perfectly with his name. And to think, The Autobots learned all that racial stereotyping with the power of the internet. For a second I thought that beings capable of traveling from planets that we don't even know exist would use something more sophisticated than the internet but I guess that is just a testament to how awesome America is for inventing something that is so galactically renowned."

 

  So I guess if the robots transform into vehicles to blend in with our society, that raises just one question.

How in the fuck is a robot that looks like a scorpion, and is the size of a small village considered a legitimate disguise? And it's a big damn coincidence that this particular robot, which can shapeshift into countless creations, has the name "Scorponok."

 

  I could also go on about how one of the evil robots is given unrealistic, annoying vocal sounds to represent his deceptive nature, and bring up more questions such as why in the scene where the autobots are sneaking around the main character's front yard, in order for one to signal to another to be quiet he needs to raise his index finger to his 'lips' and make the sound "shhhh." Are these robots of advanced intelligence not capable of radio communication? I might also bitch about how this movie is rated PG-13 (and therefore, geared toward semi-adult audiences who are supposed to be competent enough to notice bullshit when they see it) and more specifically, aimed at the audiences a generation above mine, who grew up when The Transformer toys, comics, and cartoon were popular (do you really think a movie fist-fucked full of car promotions is aimed at 14-year-olds?).

  And if I really wanted to take away the entire purpose of making this film (other than for rich assholes to get richer), I would start picking apart the argument that the alien lifeforms need to turn into small machines in order to blend into society. I mean if a 5 foot tall robot is capable of disproportionately breaking down into a small boombox, why not just become a microscopic entity and then there would be no need for disguises at all? But I don't give a shit anymore, so lets just get to the real question.

 

  How did this movie make money? Actually, there are two things that made this movie its $600,000,000+ profit. Two hot, talented chicks. And badass, American-made jeans. Now when I say talented, I mean the two hottest people in the movie are also the brightest. Go figure. Also, a point of clarification, when I say "American-made jeans," I mean jeans produced by an American company... in Kuala Lumpur.

 

That's right, this hot girl works for The Defense Department fresh out of college but she's not about to single-handedly break the robot code in some pant-suit like every other corporate tool she works with.

 

  Now as for the main actress... Well, I think the reason she was chosen should be pretty obvious when you look at these pictures

 

Still can't figure it out?

 

 

Give up? Well there's two things... First, she's obviously a highly-skilled mechanic. Second, THOSE JEANS!

 

 

  These two might be tired, sweaty, dirty, and traumatized from the violent events that are going on around them, but DAMN they have some nice jeans. LOOK AT 'EM! You couldn't wrinkle those babies if you tried. They must be made right here in good old America (Kuala Lumpur), but I have to wonder... Of all the things in the picture, the great jeans, the romantic hand-holding, the destroyed car flipped over behind them, or the tits...which was the cameraman trying to emphasize to convey the more subtle messages of this film?

Fuck this.